9-16-14

An exercise towards finding my performance voice

I am getting tired of poetically describing things.

Talking around the point.

Being polite.

Correct.

Its time to get what I want.

To take it.

Everyone says, but look at your LIFE all the THINGS you have done for people.

How can I really help you all if I am not helping myself?

Correction. I do help myself in my way, but it is more like a built-in chip that exists despite me.

It finds ways, demur and long-winded ways with careful maneuvering and never stepping on anyone’s toes.

To the extreme.

Consideration? Maybe. Sensitivity? Sure. Fear? (folds arms and nods).

Where has it gotten me? Well, somewhere, yes.

Farther than many, I am fortunate to say.

But not here (gesture above me).

How do I get HERE (gesture above).

I am supposed to be HERE.

Imagine what I could do if I were HERE.

That is the first step, right? Getting your eyes on the prize.

 

Speaking of which, I am apparently five years behind where I am supposed to be. That makes me 5 years older than I actually am, developmentally speaking. Those 5 years represent the accumulation of my hesitation, the starts and stops, the excuse-mes, the I-hope-you-don’t-minds, the I’ll-wait-to-see-what-everyone-else-wants-firsts, the assuming that if someone doesn’t START a conversation with me, they have no interest in talking to me (and I would hate to waste their time), the the. Arg it makes me so frustrated.

 

By it, I mean me.

 

The time just keeps ticking. This is like, for real. Is it too late? Am I too late? Should I start lying about my age? But even if I lie, I really cant move like I used to. Everything hurts. I am an old body with a young soul.

 

And now you are thinking, oh that poor, attractive, well educated, middle-class white woman in her thirties, she’s got it rough. Well, let me assure you I suffer. I arose out of suffering, I’ve gained my wisdom through suffering.

 

Just once I would like to gain my wisdom through another means. (breath, blow out)

I am alone, and it appears to be my fault.

And my friends and family say, but you are not alone, we love you, we are here,

And to this I say, thank you, I know, as I drift from a growing a distance in space, my arm reaching towards them, as my breath creates fog in the globe of my astronaut’s helmet.

I actually have a knack of pulling everything into my orbit, the things I want, its effortless, it’s a gift. But then, I don’t take them, I wait for them to take me. There is much less risk in that.

Much less.

Since I can remember, it has been like this

except when I am on vacation.

So, its time to flip things around and make everyday like a vacation.

And it is time to take what I want

Because if I don’t someone else will

And I just keep floating here in loose orbit.